Sleepless nights no regrets

I thought this week's column would be easy to write. I've had it "written" in my head for a while just waiting to type it out. But, for the last three days, I've also had a dreadful migraine. I've been getting migraines since my childhood. With children to care for now, it's certainly more difficult to get through them, but I have my own coping techniques.

My father got his first migraine the week after my eldest brother was born. My husband was the same, our eldest was four days old. How horrible, I think, to be in the midst of such changes in your life and then to have a chronic condition thrust upon you like that.
Why, you may ask, did they suddenly develop migraines? The answer is pretty clear. It's sleep deprivation, of course.

And that is also what has caused my migraine of the last three days. The children are sick, causing more night-time disturbances than usual.

However, my dirty little secret is that none of my children sleep through the night - at least not consistently. For a while the baby was the first of our three children to sleep through the night as an infant. Now, at 18 months, he usually wakes at least once, often twice.

Our eldest never slept for more than two hours straight. I remember taking him to the doctor at eight months to ask why he still hadn't outgrown his colic. I described what he, and we, went through each night from six onwards. My doctor, himself a father of four, replied "that's not colic; that's hell."

He outgrew the colic, which was actually milk allergy, and moved into night terrors and sleep-walking. Then there was our move to a new home. Now it's bed-wetting that often wakens him, and us.

Our daughter, at three, has hardly ever made it through the night in her own bed. It's my fault - for valid reasons, when she was an infant, I began bringing her into bed with me. We all know how that story goes. Most nights, now, when we put her to bed she tells us "I'm too alone."

We've tried everything: bribery, threats, the no-cry solution, the Ferber method, the family bed, buying new beds. It all worked ... for a time.

I call it our dirty little secret because for some reason children's ability or inability to sleep 10 straight hours reflects upon the parents. I'm not sure why it's my fault that my baby is a light sleeper or my son wets his bed. But it obviously is.

The "sleeping through the night" announcement ranks right up there with "took his first steps" and "peed in the potty" as a parent's notice of accomplishment. Those parents whose kids are doing it take great pride in it. Those whose kids aren't are as ashamed as if their children were delinquents.

I can offer no advice on getting your children to sleep through the night. Each child responds in their own way to different methods. Those that did work for us for a short while will probably not work for you.

What I can offer, if you find yourself in the same boat as me, and many other parents, is a little coping wisdom.

Don't give in to resentment. Your child is not trying to keep you from sleeping or from performing your best at work tomorrow. My children did not intend to give mommy a migraine this weekend. Don't resent your spouse for the sleep he or she gets while you are up with the children either.

Any insomniac will tell you that the more you think about sleep the harder it is to attain, resentment works the same way.

Sarah, a mom of two non-sleepers, says "try to relax ... I'm convinced they feel our frustration and it keeps them awake longer."

She also recommends avoiding clocks. Knowing how many minutes, or hours, have passed by sleepless only adds to your frustration.

When we moved into our current home we bought two essential pieces of furniture: a king size bed and a rocker-recliner. The bed is for those nights that the children insist on being with us. It's not ideal to share our bed with them, but some nights we're just too tired to keep walking back and forth to their rooms.

The rocker-recliner was bought under the advice of a public health nurse whose own two children were colicky. If you must sit up all night with a babe cradled to your chest it does offer you the ability to at least put your feet up and lean back - if the child will allow you to stop rocking.

The point is to just do what you need to in order to cope. Sometimes children just don't sleep.

We can read every article on the topic and try every method under the sun, but the increased knowledge doesn't clear our tired eyes and fogged mind. As with everything in life, take what you can when you can and don't spend your time regretting or worrying about what you've missed.

As Sarah adds, "don't feel bad. It's not something you did; you're not a bad parent. There are children who are just "bad" sleepers."

Just like my migraines that can sometimes be avoided but usually need to be coped with, sleepless nights with children are often beyond our control.

What we can control is how we decide to react to them. If you have any wisdom to offer on this topic please join our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/readilyaparent or drop me a line at darasquires@gmail.com.