KEVIN LITTLE
It’s only a few weeks out from the issuing of report cards, so grades and their rationale are still fresh in our minds. It’s also Father’s Day weekend, so as my daughter graduates from high school and I realize that these past 17 years have passed so quickly, I am looking back and taking stock of how I did as a parent, what I did right, what I did wrong and where there is room for improvement.
In public spaces, there is much conversation about motherhood, its joys and heartaches — much less so when it comes to fatherhood. That responsibility is ours — if men don’t talk about our experience, we have only ourselves to blame.
My partner is an A+ mother; in every way she meets the expectations of being a parent. She is thoughtful, emotionally present, actively engaged, funny and a nurturer par excellence. My daughter has a good mother.
I would give myself a C+ or B- as a father. I have always had mixed results with grades; I was an average student in elementary, a very good student in high school, a disappointing student in my undergraduate days and a very good student in graduate school.
My self-assessment is that I am barely competent in most things, quite good at a small number of interests. Likewise in parenting, I have not been the most physically or emotionally present father (I work three jobs and keep my emotions buried), but I have been a good mentor and a witness to being considerate and interested in the well-being of others.
From her earliest ages, I have taken my daughter with me on various encounters working with people who live on the margins of our society. My daughter has seen people who are resilient and strong, working through addictions, mental health challenges and poverty. My daughter has been a volunteer, has offered her skills as an artist for non-profit fundraising and has shown up at various public rituals like baptisms, funerals and weddings for people in the midst of crisis to play her clarinet and be a source of peace and calm.
I am so proud that my own mother’s lasting instruction to me, “Always look for the person who is alone in the room,” has taken hold in my daughter.
Owning your uniqueness
I wish I could say I was better at parenting than I am. If I could offer one piece of advice to other fathers, it would this: Be honest about what you do well and what you don’t and never be afraid to ask for help.
I constantly ask my wife for advice; she is the better parent, the wiser soul, and the more balanced person. My spouse is a truth-teller, and she lets me know when I have messed up and when I have met the moment. Every father needs someone (or someones) to consult when he is unsure how to address a challenging situation.
I am also blessed to have my own dad as a mentor and example in my life. My dad was emotionally and physically present to me and his openness to try new things and not be afraid to be different has been an inspiration to me for years.
My daughter carries with her an extra-large Eggo box as her knapsack, complete with matching yellow straps, as she goes to school, work and out with friends. Every time she does this or something else equally “odd,” I remember that it is my dad who taught me it was OK to own your uniqueness and thus gave me the confidence to pass on this life lesson to my daughter. Thank you, Dad!
I preside at a lot of funerals. At this stage in their history, mainline churches tend to skew older and the churches I currently serve are attracting a lot of seniors. It’s a joy to see a full church and listen to stories that sometimes touch on eight decades of experience.
But the sobering part of these relationships is how often I find myself hearing someone talk to me with weeks or months to live. Fathers tell me when they look back at their lives, they are proudest when their children lead happy lives. And many also are proud to see their children “giving back” to others. It gives them peace of mind.
I still have time to offer more of myself to my daughter. Whenever I hear that song Cat’s in the Cradle, I think, “I don’t want that to me!” I am proud that the one area where I have excelled as a father —“giving back” — is taking root.
It’s a mixed report card. The teacher in this case would likely write in red ink “incomplete.” Fortunately, I am blessed with friends who struggle with fatherhood, too, and together we learn from each other. Happy Father’s Day!
Kevin Little is an ordained minister, outreach worker, husband and father, though not necessarily in that order.
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